The future is so close

i'm stepping into dangerous waters

2008-07-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

i'm not to sure what i'm doing right now
I could potentially ruin something that is perfect
but then i think about the word perfect, and it's really not perfect
this relationship has so many flaws, ever since the beginning
have i just been overlooking them because i was blinded by love
some of the things have always been lingering in my head
but i just never admitted to myself because i want to focus on the positive rather then the negative
i feel guilty because i know that their are feelings involved now
i've already taken it to far and if it goes any further i think i know how it will end
i'm not to sure that i think it's a bad thing, even though i know this will kill him
and me both

am i really too young?
i feel that i am
i'm not sure i want to commit
but i know that he wouldn't be in my life if things change
i don't want to lose him or them

the importance of sex

2008-03-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

I find nyself not satisfied anymore with our sex life. I cannot talk to anyone about it especially him. I need more passion like there used to be and I need more raw sex animal se

i don't kno what to do

do i want more

2008-03-07T11:39:00.002-05:00

So this is what my horoscope said today:

You only think you want more. Jealousy is irrational.
Take a deep breath. Nothings perfect but things are improving..

Hmm... It's very very right on point with my feelings these past couple of days. FOr some reason right around that time of the month I really do get very emotional especially towards him and I can't help it. I get very upset when he doesn't call me or does something that annoys me and then I do get very down and depressed. He works with all women and that is another thing that gets my jealousy issues going as welll. I never used to be this jealous with guys. I blame chris..i really do. I blame his father actually for saying what he said at his funeral. It really fucked me up i think.

I need to learn to stop being so irrational. I never used to get into these moods either. I blame the pills. Although it may seem like i'm blaming everything on someone or something else rather then me..but i feel that they have played a big role in molding me and the relationshps that i have now.

Is life Over Rated?

2008-01-29T01:23:00.000-05:00

This is my senior year of college.. finally after 5 years I'm going to be done..but what does that all really mean? Does that mean that it's time for me to grow the fuck up and get a real job? A part of me is really excited for that time to come ( that is if i can actually find a job)and then another part of me is actually really sad and scared that i might never be a student anymroe. I no longer have that title to step back on and use as a kinda an excuse for many things.

So far, i feel that i'm doing ok as far as the whole preparing for the real world type of stuff. I'm doing 2 internships this semester and I had one last semester. I'm really hoping that these internships will land me a job that i truly enjoy and hopefully pays alright for someone just getting out of schooll.

On a different note, a completely different note..well maybe not to far from itbut the thought of marriage and growing up in that aspect has been entering my mind quite a lot these days. I've been with chase for 1 year and half this wed. Even thought it doesn't sound very long when i say it, when i think back on how much i've grown and how much we've grown togheter, it def seems longer. I saw we talk about getting married alot, but sometimes i think it's really just me talking about it. I don't really know where his head is in the whole scheme of things.. i think i do, but he's so hard to figure out. And by now you would think that i would have figured out HOW TO figure him out but ihaven't.. maybe that's a good thing. I guess im not really even ready for marriage. If he proposed i would say yes, but it's one of those things where i just cant see myself goin through with the whole wedding thing anytime soon.

we shall wait and see

2007-10-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

my parents are fighting again

School and Works Blows

2007-10-04T08:33:00.000-05:00

For some reason, this semester has just been so hard for me to get focused and do well in school. Last semester was great, and the one before that was great, but this semester i am just barely getting by and its not good considering if i fail i will prob have to stay another semester and i do not want that to happen! Interning sucks too. I am sick right now and I have to be here doing nothing but surfing the web all day which is another blow to the headdd. I hate this shit. I am so tired. tired tired. I need to take care of myself. I am constantly worried about it coming up and what if i die? I've been pretty good about not drinking and smoking anymore so that's good.

I hate that I snoop around so much . I found his ex girlfriend on things and it's so interesting to me but i hate snooping around.

Sad day

2007-08-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

My grandfather died today...I don't really know how to feel right now. The last time that i lost someone it was my boyfriend..and it's a completely different relationship then my grandfather. My brother is really sad. I've never seen him cry before and he did tonight. It was sad..it made me sad..but i am afraid to cry. I don't know why.

First day of senior year of college

2007-08-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow at eight a.m. is the first day of my last year in college,or as of right now because I am undecided about what I am going to do after school. I have an interview for internships.. I am excited but I am also very very nervous. I hate interviews, i think it's because I'm not good at them. If I was good then it would be different.

should i listen to myself?

2007-05-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

i often find myself worrying over things that i make up in my head. Once again this always always goes back to him. Why is my whole thought and mind process always focused around him. I can't seem to funtion daily without him in my head in some way. I really think i may have a problem. obsessed? is that what it is? obsession? what is it? or is it the fact that i can't trust him. I always feel that he'd doing something behind my back, or hiding things from me? i am constantly searching for something to find. I sometimes feel that i should take a step back from this relationship.I never had a dependency problem before and i don't feel that i've ever been hurt? was it from what happened with chris? the things i found out at his funeral? scarred me, for life?

last day of school

2007-05-04T09:36:00.000-05:00

I'm very excited to say that today is the last days of finals.. thanks god!This semester has gone by extremely fast, this year has gone by extremly fast! I am pretty proud of my self because i feel that this has probably been the best semester of my 4 years in college so far, grade wise... and life wise.

Things have been pretty good..life has been pretty good. Except for the money situation and in that case i have none. I do need a job. I have been working at the rents but that gets me no money that i physically can see..so i should get a job that i can actually feel the money in my hand. I need to find a internship as well for next year. But it's like once i do that, it's for real, my life as a working girl will have officially started.

I hate the feeling that i being walked over. Not nessasarily walked over, but that i am will to do more then he is willing to do for me. In a relationship i feel that you should want to do anything for someone, and if that feeling is not recipricated then it kinda feels like shit..

love is overrated and at times i feel that i wish i never fell in love

2007-02-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

I've been proud of myself lately on how i've been doing in school. I don't want to jinx myself but i feel like i have gotten good grades on everything i've done so far so i'm like sweet!

Next Weekend is spring break! I've very excited i'm going to Valdosta and then Florida with my baby baby. Excited excited

Valentines Day

2007-02-14T14:24:00.001-05:00

another couples holiday.. i love it and i hate it

I just don't know why

2007-02-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

i just don't know why someone can make me feel this way. I feel like if i were to be reading all of my blogs as someone who didn't know me, i would think that i was a little crazy. I would be like wow, this bitch is in love with her boyfriend.. and I am, that's the sad thing.That's the thing that i hate. I hate that. I don't know why and i hate how someone can just completely a totally have my whole mind and soul to them. But does he even know though? i don't think so. I don't think he knows how much i love him. He says he loves me and i know he does but i def feel that i love him more. I feel like a crazy person in love..is this what love is.. love is crazy love makes me crazy love is crazy.

do i even want to be in love anymore? At times it's great, it's great when i know everything he is doing and who he is with if he is not with me. That is what i hate. i hate that i can feel a certain way when he's not with me. It's all great and dandy when we are together. he does nothing wrong ( most of the time) but it's me i feel like. I mean i feel like i just don't trust him when it comes down to it. Why? what is with me and this. is everyone that's in love feel like this too? i hate these bad feelings! ugh!! make them go away.

SunDaY

2007-02-11T17:57:00.000-05:00

today was actually a beautiful day. Spent the night at His house last night. I love sleeping with him. I love him so much

2007-02-10T11:17:00.000-05:00

i don't even know what to write today i just feel like babbling.

I hate snooping, i hate snooping. cuz you just end up finding something that you obvioulsy were not supposed to find and then your hurt that the whatever you found was being kept from you when you clearly think that you should have known.. so nothing good comes out of this.. except the truth, but that's hardly ever good.

and again.. why is it so cold? Why is it so cold?

Me and Him are going somewhere for spring break right now it's disney world but i am debating on that cuz it's soo expensive. i don't have a job, and i don't have money. It kinda sucks overalll

First Test

2007-02-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

First test today, did i study? that would be a hellzano. I always plan on studying and i have full intentions of it,but theni get side tracked but HIM and i'm hanging out with him and i don't want to leave..Boo Boo Hoo.

The weather

2007-02-05T21:24:00.000-05:00

Why does it have to be so freakin cold right now. I def used to like winter a lot more when i was younger. I am just so cold all the time and i hate it. i want it to be spring or summer or to just stop being coldddd pleaaaaaaseeeeeeeeee... this weather is outta control.

Not Poop

2007-02-05T02:06:00.000-05:00

Went to Athens this weekend.. i think it's pretty amazing how i'm still friends with my close high school friends. This makes me feel like we will prob be friends for life. Yeah we have grown apart but for the most part even when we haven't seen each other fora while then hang out, it feels like not a day has gone by.

The weekend was pretty fun.. went with HIM up there for FRIENDS bday and his bro was playing up there too. It was fun.

The party on friday was interesting, felt like high school a little bit again, it was kinda weird though cuz it was a dance party, and there were actually people dancing, but i didn't know anyone so of course i wouldnt dance.

Sat the concert was fun too, His bro just broke up with the original band so this was only the second bands second time playing. It was not bad though, they were nervouse i'm sure.

SO i pretty much spent all weekend with him. I feel like i spend everday with him, but i can't help it. I love him, i want to spend everyday with him. We talk about getting married and being together for the rest of our lives and i want that so bad but a part of me knows not to get my hopes up. i know a lot can change quickly, we've only been togehter for a little over 6 months, but do love him a lot and i'm so in love with him. I want to be with him forever if that's even possible.

Love My Life

2007-02-02T00:28:00.000-05:00

I have it pretty good. I have a family that is still here and they care about me even though they can drive me crazy. i have wonderful friends who will be there for me not matter what. I have a wonderful boyfriend who love me and i love him. My life is good. I have it good.

I wish i could travel, whenever i see that people around the world don't have as much as i do i really wish that i could help. I would love to just be able to go whereever whenever i want. I would love to go and help the ones in need, or be able to put a hand in something imporaant.

Another pretty day

2007-01-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

..untill this afternoon when it starts raining again.. which will be boo cuz then its going to get cold and gross and we don't like that.

I had to work last night..
Tell me how people can be so rude sometimes? I just don't understand why people have to be so rude and mean esp in the restaurant business. I hate people sometimes. People that think they are better then me just because they have money.Money isn't everything, i know it's alot but it's not evertything.

Today is a pretty day

2007-01-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

it's been so gloomy lately and today it's finally a really not so cold pretty day, and i have to work.. BOO.

This week has been kinda rough for me..
i don't feel like the same me
in this relationship so many things are different
i'm not who i used to be
I have to learn to just trust
but it's so hard to give it all to someone when you don't know what they are going to do with it
i just need to know that everything will be ok in the end
but i don'tknow and that's what killsme.

2007-01-25T02:52:00.000-05:00

i need to chill out..breath breath breath breath breath.. i can't breath. I can't breath. I can't breath and i need to chill out

he could be lying to me, and that's what i feel like i really really really do. Why would he send me that random shit all of a sudden? He was telling someone to call him. He was telling someone to call him.

Trust

2007-01-24T19:04:00.000-05:00

I've never realized that i have a trust issue.. i guess everyone has some sorta trust issue or another. It's so hard to completely give your all to someone and i want to so bad but it's just so hard.

I can't go around being paranoid that something is being done behind my back. I just have to hope that he loves me enough to not break my heart. History is so hard to compete with so of course when history comes back, i'm going to get worried and ask questions.

Lonely Nights

2007-01-24T01:20:00.000-05:00

I can't ever sleep when i am by myself anymore. I have been spoiled with sleeping with the one that i love and i can't seem to ever fall asleep when i want to when i'm at home. It's so much more comforting to know that there is someone next to me holding me when i fall asleep. And the best thing is waking up and seeing them right next to you. The in the middle of the night parts of kinda blurry but when i do wake up and roll over and feel his warm body next to mine it just makes it all that much easier to fall back asleep...

Which brings me to another issue.. why am i still living at home? OMG i could rant on this forever.
why is that Foreign parents believe that they have to live by certain rules of their culture and not some of the other ones.. you can't really pick and choose what rules you want to follow.. can you?

I am 21..i live at home with my parents. YES .. it sucks. I'm asian.. i'm not white, i'm not white i'm not white i am asian.. this is what i hear constantly from my mothers mouth. I KNOW I"M ASIAN AND NOT WHITE.. but why can't i move out? Why can't i live on my own. I have before and i def had way more responsibilities then i do now. I took care of myself.

i know sometimes it's the fact that they don't want me to leave, but still, this puts a def strain on the relationship i have with my family. I can't stand being home and see them and hearing my mothers screaming voice in my freakin ear every freakin day. I don't know how much longer i can take of this.

finishing up

2007-01-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

i think it's time for me to grow up a little. i feel like i've been saying that for such a long time but it's true. I need to get my life together, all together.

Now that i have found someone that i truely love can spend the rest of my life with, i know that i need to get my life together all the way before i can share that with someone else. I need to be able to be an adult. That's scary to think about but i know that's what i need to do.

I love him so much that everyday that this passes by i worry that i may lose him. It sounds so pathetic though, i used to never be like this. I didn't believe in love, and i don't really know if i still really do in a sense. I feel it cuz i'm in love right now, but this feeling takes so much control over you its almost unbearing. I would almost sometimes rather not have this because with good it comes with so much bad too. The bad sometimes even out wieghs the good...

i guess it's better to have loved then to never love at all?