i'm stepping into dangerous waters

i'm not to sure what i'm doing right now
I could potentially ruin something that is perfect
but then i think about the word perfect, and it's really not perfect
this relationship has so many flaws, ever since the beginning
have i just been overlooking them because i was blinded by love
some of the things have always been lingering in my head
but i just never admitted to myself because i want to focus on the positive rather then the negative
i feel guilty because i know that their are feelings involved now
i've already taken it to far and if it goes any further i think i know how it will end
i'm not to sure that i think it's a bad thing, even though i know this will kill him
and me both

am i really too young?
i feel that i am
i'm not sure i want to commit
but i know that he wouldn't be in my life if things change
i don't want to lose him or them

the importance of sex

I find nyself not satisfied anymore with our sex life. I cannot talk to anyone about it especially him. I need more passion like there used to be and I need more raw sex animal se

i don't kno what to do

do i want more

So this is what my horoscope said today:

You only think you want more. Jealousy is irrational.
Take a deep breath. Nothings perfect but things are improving..

Hmm... It's very very right on point with my feelings these past couple of days. FOr some reason right around that time of the month I really do get very emotional especially towards him and I can't help it. I get very upset when he doesn't call me or does something that annoys me and then I do get very down and depressed. He works with all women and that is another thing that gets my jealousy issues going as welll. I never used to be this jealous with guys. I blame chris..i really do. I blame his father actually for saying what he said at his funeral. It really fucked me up i think.

I need to learn to stop being so irrational. I never used to get into these moods either. I blame the pills. Although it may seem like i'm blaming everything on someone or something else rather then me..but i feel that they have played a big role in molding me and the relationshps that i have now.

Is life Over Rated?

This is my senior year of college.. finally after 5 years I'm going to be done..but what does that all really mean? Does that mean that it's time for me to grow the fuck up and get a real job? A part of me is really excited for that time to come ( that is if i can actually find a job)and then another part of me is actually really sad and scared that i might never be a student anymroe. I no longer have that title to step back on and use as a kinda an excuse for many things.

So far, i feel that i'm doing ok as far as the whole preparing for the real world type of stuff. I'm doing 2 internships this semester and I had one last semester. I'm really hoping that these internships will land me a job that i truly enjoy and hopefully pays alright for someone just getting out of schooll.

On a different note, a completely different note..well maybe not to far from itbut the thought of marriage and growing up in that aspect has been entering my mind quite a lot these days. I've been with chase for 1 year and half this wed. Even thought it doesn't sound very long when i say it, when i think back on how much i've grown and how much we've grown togheter, it def seems longer. I saw we talk about getting married alot, but sometimes i think it's really just me talking about it. I don't really know where his head is in the whole scheme of things.. i think i do, but he's so hard to figure out. And by now you would think that i would have figured out HOW TO figure him out but ihaven't.. maybe that's a good thing. I guess im not really even ready for marriage. If he proposed i would say yes, but it's one of those things where i just cant see myself goin through with the whole wedding thing anytime soon.

we shall wait and see

my parents are fighting again

School and Works Blows

For some reason, this semester has just been so hard for me to get focused and do well in school. Last semester was great, and the one before that was great, but this semester i am just barely getting by and its not good considering if i fail i will prob have to stay another semester and i do not want that to happen! Interning sucks too. I am sick right now and I have to be here doing nothing but surfing the web all day which is another blow to the headdd. I hate this shit. I am so tired. tired tired. I need to take care of myself. I am constantly worried about it coming up and what if i die? I've been pretty good about not drinking and smoking anymore so that's good.

I hate that I snoop around so much . I found his ex girlfriend on things and it's so interesting to me but i hate snooping around.

Sad day

My grandfather died today...I don't really know how to feel right now. The last time that i lost someone it was my boyfriend..and it's a completely different relationship then my grandfather. My brother is really sad. I've never seen him cry before and he did tonight. It was sad..it made me sad..but i am afraid to cry. I don't know why.